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The Anonymous Us Project is a safety zone for real and honest insights regarding third party reproduction (sperm & egg donation, and surrogacy). We aim to share the experiences of voluntary and involuntary participants in these new reproductive technologies, while preserving the dignity and privacy for story-tellers and their loved ones. All stories are contributed anonymously because "anonymity in reproduction hides the truth, but anonymity in story-telling helps reveal the truth." Read More

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So, so confused

Me and my siblings only found out a few months ago that we were donor conceived, and we're all over 18. I'd always had a funny sense that something was never quite right with my dad - none of us looked anything like him at all, even though I could see the resemblance with my mum. I haven't seen my 'dad' for years now as he walked out, but knowing now that he wasn't even my biological father had made it more difficult. Yes, we know now that he's got nothing to do with biologically or emotionally, but at the same time, this man that I'd thought was my father all along, and who I'd felt some loyalty to even after he left, is now nothing to me. And I don't know how I feel about that.
I'm very, very confused: I haven't even known about this for very long, and I'm finding it difficult to talk to either my mum or my siblings about it. I don't resent my mum for finding a donor, but I do resent her decision to keep that information from us, and she seems fairly chilled about it since she's told us. Am I making a big deal about something that's actually not that important? Does it really matter who my biological father is? I've never really had a father, because me and my siblings were never close with my 'dad' anyway - he was drunk most of the time. But now we're in this confusing situation where the man we always thought was our father is actually nothing to do with us, and I'm just so confused. I wish I'd been told a lot sooner. What's worse is that no one in our family knows either, I don't know how we're going to tell them about it.
Me and my siblings actually signed up to the Donor Sibling Link recently, to find out if we had any half-siblings. Turns out we have almost 30 half-siblings, which is a LOT to process. 19 of them are them are the same age as me. Somewhere out there are 30 people my sort of age, all of them my half-siblings. The reality is that I probably won't ever know any of them. Again I'm just so confused, and I don't know how to deal with it. I think it upsets my mum to talk about it, so I don't want to tell her how upset its making me. But at the same time I just don't know what to do - I feel like I'm having a bit of an indentity crisis. Is that an overreaction? I don't know. Before finding out I was donor-conceieved, it wasn't even a topic I knew anything about. I sort of feel like half of my life has been a lie - how could my mum not have told us sooner? How could she have kept this from us?!
We did manage to find out something about our donor father - he had brown eyes, brown hair, medium skin, was about 6 foot tall, he was a photographer who liked surfing, and has fathered over 30 children through donating his sperm. That's all we know and ever will know about him. At least with my 'dad', I knew his name, and who his parents were.
I'm struggling with this. I keep trying to concentrate on school work and find my self veering off and googling everything there is about sperm-donor situation. I don't know anyone else in this situation. There are 30 half-siblings of mine out there somewhere, and a man who is my biological father. The loss of my 'dad' as well now makes it seem that there were 2 men who didn't want any part in being my father. Is this an overreaction? Am I being silly?
Of course I'm grateful that I was wanted as a child - my mum has never been anything but loving and caring, which I'm very lucky for. I had a happy childhood with my mum, it was only my 'dad' who ruined things. I just feel lost that I don't know anything about my paternal side. I know people think we should just be grateful to be alive and well, but is it so unreasonable to feel lost and confused about this? I don't know how my mum could have kept this from us, and even though I love her as my mum, I'm worried this is going to be something I'm going to hold against her forever. I'm just so so confused.

Date submitted: March 12, 2015

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Casting Call for HBO documentary

Is there a story out there involving third party reproduction that would make a great documentary? Academy Award winning director Karen Goodman is looking for stories for an upcoming HBO documentary.

The film is aiming to focus more on the early parts of the process: considering having a baby, pregnancy (or pregnancies), newborns, toddlers, or young children. However, we are open to a wider scope. As long as it's a great story that could be told on film in 2015, these filmmakers want to learn about it.

If someone or something pops to mind, or if you might be right for it, please reach out directly to:

David Sauvage
HBObabiesdoc@gmail.com

Date submitted: March 02, 2015

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