The Anonymous Us Project is a safety zone for real and honest insights regarding third party reproduction (sperm & egg donation, and surrogacy). We aim to share the experiences of voluntary and involuntary participants in these new reproductive technologies, while preserving the dignity and privacy for story-tellers and their loved ones. All stories are contributed anonymously because "anonymity in reproduction hides the truth, but anonymity in story-telling helps reveal the truth." Read More
I do not know your name, or half of my own real name (my last name). I may die without ever knowing anything about half of me and all of you. You will never know the amount of pain you have caused me, nor the amount of joy. You gave me life yet you deprived me of my basic rights. I know the names of eight out of at least sixteen of my half siblings and have met six of them. I will always be curious. Do we look alike? What are you like? Do you think about us? Do you have a family? Are you artistic and shy like the majority of us, your offspring? What is my biological last name? Do I have aunts and uncles or cousins? Are you alive? Did you only do it for the money? What are grandma and grandpa like? Have we walked past each other on the street? Have we sat next to each other on a plane? Have we ever come across each other? I cringe at the word father or dad knowing I will never get the experience of having a dad. Fathers day is the worst day of the year because it reminds me of all the things you and my single mother by choice deprived me of. School genealogy projects are my most dreaded because when I walk in to class with only half of my family tree on a poster, I am subject to unending questions as to why and how I "don't have a dad." Kids ask simple questions like "what does your dad do for a living?" or "how old is your dad?" and I have lied and made up random answers because it was easier and less painful then explaining my story. I have been told I belong in a science lab and am not a real child but a science project. In fifth grade, while discussing sex and "how babies are made" at school, my teacher said "and that's how all of you were made" before stopping to say "O wait she was made in a science lab and her daddy didn't love her mother." At my grandfather's funeral, I overheard my grandmother's friends asking if my mother had a husband and then my grandma explained how I was a product of science and then told them all about how I tracked down my siblings against my mothers wishes. But you have brought me much happiness as well. You gave me life. You gave me half siblings and a lot of them. I feel part of this giant modern family brought together by you, an anonymous person we call dad, our mothers, their infertile husbands, or same sex partners, and science. My 9 year old half brother, your son, once got in my car and said "You know we are bastards, right? My history teacher was talking about medieval Europe and how children conceived out of wedlock were bastards." Growing up I dreamt of meeting you before I got married, so that one day you could walk me down the aisle, now knowing that will never happen, I hope one of my half brothers will walk me down the aisle. I always hoped that I could meet you even just for a cup of coffee and talk. I wouldn't want to burden you with an ongoing relationship. I wouldn't ask for any money even though I basically gave you money when you sold my rights away. All I have ever wanted was a simple conversation with the man who gave me life and gave me my life. I at least would want to see a picture of you before I died. I would love a hug.
Me and my siblings only found out a few months ago that we were donor conceived, and we're all over 18. I'd always had a funny sense that something was never quite right with my dad - none of us looked anything like him at all, even though I could see the resemblance with my mum. I haven't seen my 'dad' for years now as he walked out, but knowing now that he wasn't even my biological father had made it more difficult. Yes, we know now that he's got nothing to do with biologically or emotionally, but at the same time, this man that I'd thought was my father all along, and who I'd felt some loyalty to even after he left, is now nothing to me. And I don't know how I feel about that.
I'm very, very confused: I haven't even known about this for very long, and I'm finding it difficult to talk to either my mum or my siblings about it. I don't resent my mum for finding a donor, but I do resent her decision to keep that information from us, and she seems fairly chilled about it since she's told us. Am I making a big deal about something that's actually not that important? Does it really matter who my biological father is? I've never really had a father, because me and my siblings were never close with my 'dad' anyway - he was drunk most of the time. But now we're in this confusing situation where the man we always thought was our father is actually nothing to do with us, and I'm just so confused. I wish I'd been told a lot sooner. What's worse is that no one in our family knows either, I don't know how we're going to tell them about it.
Me and my siblings actually signed up to the Donor Sibling Link recently, to find out if we had any half-siblings. Turns out we have almost 30 half-siblings, which is a LOT to process. 19 of them are them are the same age as me. Somewhere out there are 30 people my sort of age, all of them my half-siblings. The reality is that I probably won't ever know any of them. Again I'm just so confused, and I don't know how to deal with it. I think it upsets my mum to talk about it, so I don't want to tell her how upset its making me. But at the same time I just don't know what to do - I feel like I'm having a bit of an indentity crisis. Is that an overreaction? I don't know. Before finding out I was donor-conceieved, it wasn't even a topic I knew anything about. I sort of feel like half of my life has been a lie - how could my mum not have told us sooner? How could she have kept this from us?!
We did manage to find out something about our donor father - he had brown eyes, brown hair, medium skin, was about 6 foot tall, he was a photographer who liked surfing, and has fathered over 30 children through donating his sperm. That's all we know and ever will know about him. At least with my 'dad', I knew his name, and who his parents were.
I'm struggling with this. I keep trying to concentrate on school work and find my self veering off and googling everything there is about sperm-donor situation. I don't know anyone else in this situation. There are 30 half-siblings of mine out there somewhere, and a man who is my biological father. The loss of my 'dad' as well now makes it seem that there were 2 men who didn't want any part in being my father. Is this an overreaction? Am I being silly?
Of course I'm grateful that I was wanted as a child - my mum has never been anything but loving and caring, which I'm very lucky for. I had a happy childhood with my mum, it was only my 'dad' who ruined things. I just feel lost that I don't know anything about my paternal side. I know people think we should just be grateful to be alive and well, but is it so unreasonable to feel lost and confused about this? I don't know how my mum could have kept this from us, and even though I love her as my mum, I'm worried this is going to be something I'm going to hold against her forever. I'm just so so confused.