Being a donor was the biggest mistake of my life
When I was in college, I decided do egg donation as a way to make some extra money. A clinic in my county offered $3,500 to women like myself to donate their eggs and $3,500 was a LOT of money for a college student back in the ’90s. It’s a lot of money now, in fact.
Even though I signed up to be an egg donor, I never considered that the fact that if my eggs were used, I would have children walking around in the world and that they may want to know me until a young woman claiming to be my daughter called my home last year. My husband answered the phone and immediately hung up, thinking it was a prank call. I returned the call the next day, once my husband had left for work and the kids had gone to school.
The woman had as much information as she’d been allowed to gather, including the name of the clinic her parents had used. She told me that she wanted to meet me and that she considered me to be her mother. I told her I needed a day or two to think about everything. That was in October 2013. It’s now July 2014 and I’ve not called her back since.
I haven’t intentionally ignored her these past few months. I just can’t bring myself to face her, even over the phone. I’ve started dozens of letters to my daughter but I can never bring myself to mail them. Everything I have to say to her to justify or explain my actions sounds so utterly lame that I feel ashamed. She’s my daughter and I abandoned her. I sold her for money. And she suffered greatly for it. How do you even begin to apologize for that? You can’t.
The thought that I may have more children out there fills me with anxiety to the point that I have panic attacks. I’ve had to be put on Xanax to deal with them. If I knew back then what I knew now, I never would have gone through with the donation.