My Father Is Ashamed I Exist

Submitted on: February 12, 2019

My father, the one who sold his sperm to make me, was receptive when I found him. Maybe even a bit excited. I loved him before I knew his name or his face, but I’ve grown to love him more deeply as I’ve gotten the chance to know him better. We’ve got a lot of similarities, and I’m glad he’s given me the chance to know who he is. My life is richer for it.

But he’s keeping me a secret from his family. He doesn’t want them to know he’s got more children out in the world than the ones his family knows. He assures me that he’s not embarrassed about donating sperm, that he feels his decision to donate was a good decision, an altruistic effort on his part, something noble that he’s proud of. But if he’s proud of his choice, why is he hiding it? If he thinks what he did was even a little good, why would a 67 year old man hide me from his family? Does he not see the contradiction? Can he not grasp how it feels to be someone’s dirty secret? I already struggle with hating myself, hating my feelings, trying to hide my feelings from those who paid for my conception or were paid for my conception, because they don’t want to think of themselves as anything but good people and I’m too loyal to want to scare them off. Why do I have to be hidden? I’m a human, not a scandal.

My parents who raised me do this as well. They want me to keep it quiet, so they won’t have to face any shame. They are so wrapped up in their own defense mechanisms that they can’t see my pain.

Can you get a refund when the child you purchased doesn’t buy your lines about who their “real” dad is? Can my bio father not see that one day his whole family will find out about his harem, about all the babies he gave away? There is no hiding, there is only pushing back the inevitable, while breaking his relationships with them for his lies.