Where’s my happiness?

Submitted on: July 10, 2018

This would be the first time I express myself. I guess even love can forget that a person exists. Sometimes I question myself if god even listens to me when I cry, pray, or even feel down. I’m getting tired of drinking from the same cup of life, always being fed the lies “love will come your way” or “you’ll meet the right person.” Ive grown to view these quotes as myths, they dont exist, I guess I really dont belong anywhere. I have a crush on this girl whom Iam hoping to have a relationship with but i am afraid to tell her how i feel about her. Rejection is not my fear but, being viewed as something as vile as a creep or weirdo does worry me since every time ive tried to look for love Iam seen as these things. I grew up in a home where love was never present, only in stories and in memories, so love isnt exactly something ive tasted, felt, or even see. There was fatherly, motherly, and family love, but it didnt feel as it came from the heart, it felt more like if it was obligation to fill in the void as a parent or as a family member. I felt like i was only loved for being a son and nothing more, my personality and spirit were absent from that world. The thought of suicide hangs itself around me like rope, with every passing day the rope tightens until it finally kills me. Maybe in death ill find a better meaning of life than i ever did living, then again i feel stupid for sharing this, but i guess i needed to vent. I have to grow up knowing ill never be in someones dream, fantasy, life, hopes, or heart. Mirrors remind me of my lack of beauty and loss of attraction, talking reminds me of my lack of speech, waking up reminds me of the reality iam in because in dreams i can be someone, my body reminds me of the lack of respect i have for myself, couples remind me of what ill never have, life reminds me of my lack of worth. Its easy for hate to find you but for love to find you is like a miracle needs to happened. Its easy to tell someone to be happy, but words dont do much but give you words to speak. I wish I could find the answer to my problems but i guess this is a problem that cant be found easily. Its hard to grow up when the world likes to keep you down. Its hard to be a man when the world takes that away from you. Its hard to cry knowing no one can be there to wipe your tears or even catch you when you fall. Its hard to accept happiness when ive become addicted to sadness and self harm. Iam only 21 and i know a lot of people can say that’s not living enough, but living 21 years without being noticed can take a tole on you. No matter how hard i try, Im no ones prince, hero, or dream. I getting used to being alone that i might just make a norm for me. I try to find help but like all other options, i dont seem to find worth or even hope. I’ am a broke college student with an undecided future and no hope for love, I dont drive any cars because i dont have a license but if i did i would drive until i found an end or just a place where i can be shedding tears and not feel like an idiot for doing so, a place of privacy. I wish i could help those that need it more than me, but help isnt going to be enough to mend wounds or put together a broken piece. The girl I mentioned though, i really hope she can see that i feel for her because i can feel my heart beat when i talk to her or even see her. Death cant be a solution in my life but, it sure keeps finding its way in it. I dont know what its like to kiss or be kissed with passion, i dont know what its like being told “I happy youre in my life” or even be recognized as a loving figure. I wish i could stop filling my cup with tears. I wish i was never born, I guess i dont have a purpose. My eyes are familiar with seeing love, but my heart does not recognize what it feels like. This is not a call for help but a place i needed to vent in. Holding it in is easier than letting go for me. There is a lot more i wish i could say but, as i type this with tears, i feel less like a man and more like a coward or idiot for thinking that i can be understood or even be helped. I really hope she’ll can be the one to close the doors of my depression.