Confession of a loving wife

Submitted on: January 5, 2017

I love my husband so much I would do morally questionable things to protect him and make him happy. We have been trying for a year to get pregnant with zero success. Ive had blood work and ultrasounds done, fearing I was infertile since I had major abdominal trauma, my mom had both endometriosis and breast cancer, and my paternal grandmother had breast cancer twice. But my medical tests all came back normal. My husband is diabetic, and knowing my stepdad who was diabetic was also sterile, I fear my husband is also sterile. I could make him get fertility tests done that would lay all our doubts to rest, but I don’t want to crush his hope of being a father. Not to mention his regular blood work is all bad because he doesn’t manage his diabetes well. Adoption is outrageously invasive and expensive, using donor sperm is also very expensive with relatively low success rates for the price. I’ve researched every single option and hit dead ends everywhere. When I was younger I had a fiance who died in a car accident (where I received the abdominal trauma) and his family quickly abandoned me after. The last thing I want is for my husband to die, and his family turn his back on our child because “it’s not really his” (either adopted or donor conceived). One day, after having cried for the millionth time over all of this (in secret of course, to protect my husband) I decided there was only one final solution. I posted a want ad online for a sperm donor. I got a few responses, picked the best one, met him at a motel and had sex with him. My husband, nor the conceived child will ever know. It’s my way of protecting them from feelings of guilt, inadequacy, shame, feeling like an outsider, etc, etc. Sometimes the means do justify the ends, and I will do anything to protect the ones I love. If you want something enough, there are solutions.