Dear Current and Prospective Parents, Please Read This
Dear Prospective Parents (and current parents, this is good for you to read too),
I understand you want to bring a beautiful, loving child into this world. I understand it’s programmed deep into our psychology and biology. I understand you genuinely believe you will be the best parent in the world and you can do no harm, and you will be so, so, SO loving and as long as you have read a few articles from people who are donor conceived, you’re in the clear.
And you might be. Your baby who becomes a kid who becomes an adult could be totally well-adjusted. That is legitimately a possibility. Honesty, transparency, communication, and therapy are powerful tools for good that could keep your child healthy and grounded.
There’s also the possibility that you will cause deep existential and biological trauma that will be irreversible. I can only speak to my personal experience. I have an abusive single mother who bought me to fill her loneliness, with her (conditional) love being contingent on meeting her needs. I have a donor-father who openly admits he helped bring me into this world so he could profit off of my existence and play out his Genghis Khan-like fantasy.
These aren’t matters of interpretation. These are unfortunately just the facts about my conception. And I am stuck with them. For the rest of my life, I am stuck with them. My healing will have to be a full acceptance of these facts, rather than having the ability to redo my thinking. I can be grateful to be alive all I want. It does not take away that people bought and sold me for their self-serving desires.
You could also be complicit in eugenics, dysgenics, genetic homogenization, and incest. If you use the standard fertility clinic, which discriminates against people based on height, weight, sexual orientation, race, socioeconomic status, and biological diversity, you are complicit in selective breeding. You are complicit in saying that certain lives are more worthy of existing than others. You are giving up your rights to ever say you support people with any differences. You will be treating your child like a pedigree dog.
Because of the sheer quantity of children conceived through a single donor, we have now unleashed a genetic Pandora’s Box that is unfortunately too late to reverse. I could have sex with one of my potentially 50 unknown half-siblings and have kids as a result of incest. I will probably have to genetically screen my future partners while everyone else gets to be stress-free in finding love. Or I could have kids with someone I’m not related to, but then our kids procreate with the kids of my unknown half-siblings. The problem gets exponentially worse with each generation. The overall issue will be mass homogenization. There will be so many humans with incredibly similar genes due to accidental, nonconsensual incest. If a disease or a mutation occurs, people will die. Potentially millions depending on how many generations go by before the catastrophe.
Your child could never be free from concerns of incest. Your child could never be free from being a product. Your child could never be free from the Nazi-like selection of genes that sperm banks use as their modus operandi. You will never be free from these actions, either.
If you want to be the best parent, set your kid up with what is best for THEM, not what is best for YOU. If you cannot create a child without forcing them into a world of incest and eugenics, then perhaps you are not a good parent. If you have to create a child by taking away their heritage, medical information, biological identity, and their biological parent, then perhaps you are not a good parent. Perhaps you are being very selfish. Perhaps you are just looking to justify how what you are doing is okay. But perhaps what you are doing is not okay. Perhaps it is evil, selfish, incestuous, Nazi-like, and cruel. Regardless of your intent, your actions will have consequences on the entirety of your child’s life and the future of human life on this Earth.
You will not have to live the life of your child. You can absolve yourself of the guilt and move on, but your child will not have that same luxury. Please take this seriously. Consider adoption. Consider using someone in your life who will be available to the child, even if they act more like an aunt, uncle, or godparent. Consider any option other than degrading your child’s life. It is not about you. It is about them. You have no idea how much you could hurt your child. This is not a game. Stop cherry-picking happy stories. This is our real lives. Take it seriously.