Submitted on: September 17, 2018

Dear – I’m going to do it.
I am/was a donor (once a donor always a donor I guess) and I agree very strongly with your perspective. I am of the male side of scenarios like this, and getting bashed for being a donor. You have no reason to feel guilty or be apologetic, and I refuse to accept guilt from my side. You have the same right as any woman to be a mother, and with modern medical technology you can find a man that has the traits you want to see in your child. People have always done that, only now they don’t have to go through the games. So many here are angry about their lot, as if everything would have been perfect for them if the donor was around, just like all of the non-donor families out there . . . in fantasyland. There are all kinds of families, and most are passably happy, or at least not miserable, including donor families. I suspect the population here is not representative of the general population of donor families/children. In fact, I would venture that compared to the general population of all families, DC families are collectively happier. Notice that most commenters here are not the parents in the situation. Most of the unhappy ones are either children or flamers that are neither and are only here to spew their venom. It is totally possible that some, or many, of the DC children’s stories are totally true, but most of the issues stem from not being told, or not being able to meet their bio fathers. How different is that from when a couple breaks up and the mother moves to Yellowknife, or someplace? If you do this, tell them and early, and allow them to know the bio father, at least when they are adults. If you raise them well, it will cost you nothing extra and your children will thank you for it. There are unhappy people in every context, but some things can be addressed before they happen.

That takes us to the “I was going to use a donor, but I read here how unhappy they are so I won’t.” I am confident that they are part of a disinformation campaign. Most likely religious types trying to decieve people. Even if they are genuine, they are neither donors, nor DC children or parents. They are certainly welcome to their opinion, but they have no experience to offer.

Consider that DC children are never accidents that put burdens on families unprepared for extra children. They are wanted, they tend to come into being later in life, when parents are better prepared financially and are more mature and emotionally prepared. The donors go through genetic testing, so the children are less likely to have health problems. Certainly there are exceptions, but I think most of the problem situations have to do with the parents poorly handling the situation. However, how is that different from adoptive parents handling things poorly? As far as that goes, adopted children have most of the same issues as DC children, but even more pronounced in some cases (not knowing both parents instead of just the donor parent for example), but no one suggests not adopting (except for the expense and complexity of it), nor should they.
Every formal study I have read about donors and DC children/families indicate that they are no more unhappy than other people. They have stated that DC children that have been told and have a donor that is open to contact do better than others.

The one DC son I found did not seem to know, although i am not certain. He may have been acting coy so as not to tip his hand. In any case, once it was made clear, he buggered off not to be heard from again. He knows he is welcome, and should he change is mind, I will be there.

As to the men in this situation, some are in it for the money, some want children to be in the world but don’t expect to be in a situation where a standard family is feasible, etc. However, most believe that they are doing a good thing. They want to help others, and most these days are open, as I was. Even the anonymous ones often change their minds as they get older. The one regret I hear about (and share) is having to agree to not be in the children’s lives, although it is understandable. Now, with the DNA services that allow direct connections with adult children, men are often reaching out to make connections and be a part of their children’s lives. It is unlikely that they will ever be what a father would normally be, but they can be family, in some flavor. I can’t say how egg donors feel on the topic, as I am not one, so I will let them speak for themselves.

Whatever you do, good luck.