Donor Egg Options

Submitted on: August 7, 2017

My husband and I are about to proceed with a donor egg and his sperm. This is not a decision we’ve taken lightly, we’ve discussed it and worked it out between ourselves for almost 6 years. My parents are accepting and happy for us, his parents would not be. We haven’t told them. They are both very old and in poor health now so the chances of them seeing this child grow up are quite slim. There is no point in upsetting them at this point either.

My husband and I initially thought we would keep this information to ourselves, not even tell our child, but after years of reading and discussions, we have decided we will tell. We are open to the child knowing everything because we agree the child has the right to know. We are not ashamed or embarrassed, we are happy to welcome this child into our family.

Problem is, we have been unable to find a donor who will allow it. We have chosen a donor this week. I have asked if we can contact the donor when the child is an adult, only for the sake of satisfying any curiosity or questions, to learn more about health history, and the agency said no. In my case, I believe it’s the agency who is saying no, not the donor. I’m not even sure the donor was asked. I think the agency owner just wants to promote his/her own personal beliefs, make it fast, tidy and easy.

I would love for laws to change so the process is a bit more transparent, I believe all children have this right. If a donor doesn’t want to donate under these circumstances, then so be it, but to me the child comes before the donor or me every day. When an egg donor says no she is rejecting a child that hasn’t even been created yet.

Now I’m unsure if we will choose this donor but we have gone down this road with donors so many times I’m not sure what other options we have. We are running out of time and money. We feel we are being forced to accept this route. The donors we’ve found through agencies say contact is ok on their profile then change their mind and say no.

If you are an egg donor, please consider allowing contact as an adult. We are not trying to bother you in any way but these children are people who have a right to ask a few questions, if only once in life. I know many donors donate eggs and feel they’re done but if a child is born they are just beginning and they may have a natural curiosity about things like inherited traits and such, medical questions, things you may take for granted.

Please have it in your heart to allow at least one more contact as an adult to address these for the child’s own peace of mind and to help them understand who they are. Thank you.