The gift of life or the gift of solitude?

34 years ago my mother decided that it was time for her to have a child. With her biological clock ticking and no long term relationship in sight, she turned to an anonymous sperm donor. She probably thought like most women would: “I’ll give my baby enough love for two”. I was indeed a loved baby…but baby must grow. As a child the idea of my father rarely crossed my mind as I believed that I was “special”…in a good way. It was only when I was ask to present my family tree in front of my class that I felt the embarrassment of not knowing my father. As years went by I was no longer ashamed of how I was conceived. As I looked to the future with optimism I accepted the fact that the only information that I would ever have on my father was “ Caucasian male, brown hair, with high IQ”. At 17 I was also diagnosed with a high IQ. I’m like my father I thought, something that I will never be able to share with him. Then came a second diagnosis: I have Asperger’s syndrome. Did I get that from him too? As I grew older I felt like an alien in my own family. To this day, my maternal family have all rejected me because I am “different”. I thought to myself, who cares, I’ll have my own family but that idea, with my everyday difficulties is becoming more and more vague.
It was only recently That i truly realized that I’ll most probably never know anything about half of my heritage. I love my mother but often I find myself despising her for doing this to me, for being so selfish. I, myself, as a woman approaching the big 3.5, I know what it feels like to truly want a child but NEVER would I knowingly take away a child’s right to have a father and a family. Not only as my mother deprived me from having a father but also sisters, brothers, cousins, grandparents…
My only little hope is with those DNA tests but then again I have to prepare myself for possible disappointment or even rejection…however knowing the slightest thing about my origins is better than nothing at all.
I therefore feel condemned to a life of solitude with the non stop fear of losing my only family: my mother.
I am not saying that all third party procreation are bad but future parents please think of the possible consequences on your child. I sure would have liked my mother to have thought of that.