I think about her every day

Submitted on: May 27, 2019

I am an 18-year-old female and I was conceived using an egg donor. My dad is my biological dad and I admire him beyond words. I’m not at all close with my mom. My parents told me they used an egg donor when I was 10-12 years old. That’s a guess; I honestly don’t remember how old I was. Every day I wonder about my biological mom. Does she wonder about me? Do we look similar? Do we have similar personalities, likes, and dislikes? Do I have half-siblings? Do I have grandparents that know about me? That barely scratches the surface. I can not put into words the pain of not knowing who my biological mother is and not being able to have/have had a relationship with her. I really do think about this at least once a day, and it is deeply mentally, emotionally, and psychologically troubling.

I want to ask my mom and dad if they know anything about her, but I’m too afraid. I have a twin sister (conceived with my dad’s sperm and I’m pretty sure we have the sam biological mom) and we are both about to start college. I wish I could tell my biological mom about big life events such as this. Part of the reason I’m too afraid to ask is because I don’t want to add more to my family’s plate. However that discussion would end, I feel like it would cause more harm than good. I’m in so much pain over this and I don’t want to give my parents or sister a similar feeling. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

I’m also afraid of asking in case my search for my bio mom goes nowhere. What if my parents don’t know anything? What if the place that did the egg donation doesn’t know anything? I would feel the same if not worse, but at least I would know.

Or, what if they know something? What if they have the identity of my bio mom? Would she respond if I contacted her? I don’t even know if I would legally be able to try to talk to her, if I had a way to.

Like I said, I’m 18. However I’m already thinking about how my possible kids would feel about this. If I have kids, I will tell them as soon as they are old enough to understand. Will it bother them that they won’t know their maternal grandparents and other family? Will it bother them that it bothers me? I’m afraid of marrying and having kids with a man I’m related to. I don’t think that’s likely, but still, I believe it’s a valid concern.

Through 23andMe I’ve found cousins that I am certain are on my bio mom’s side of the family, and I’ve made a family tree connecting all of them. I feel better being able to piece together that side of my family, but it doesn’t really help because I have no idea how I fit into it. I have a whole other family and I don’t get to know and love them (and they don’t get to know and love me). As a donor conceived child, there are so many things I simply don’t get to know.

Thanks to anyone who read this far. I needed to get all of this out. If you’re also donor conceived and feel the same way as me, I hope it helps to know you’re not alone. Reading posts on here has helped me in that way. I’m thinking of you, I love you, I’m with you.

If you’re someone considering egg or sperm donation, I hope this helps you in that decision. I’m personally against it, based on how I feel about my conception and my life. It bothers me that I cost money, that the one woman I want most in this life is a stranger yet 50% of me. Sometimes I wish I weren’t born. I didn’t ask for this, and I never would have consented to it. Please adopt, at least those kids are already in existence, don’t go out of your way to create a child. Or just don’t have kids at all. No one should have to spend hours on hours feeling alone and wondering about half of their biological family. I wouldn’t wish this pain and wondering on ANYONE.