Lost but Not Alone

Submitted on: March 3, 2016

Wow… so many emotions and thoughts going through my head that i don’t even know where to start. I knew that I wasn’t alone, but after looking at this website I had no idea that there was so many people who have share the same exact thoughts, ideas, and stories as I do! I don’t know any of the authors, but I feel close… I feel like they can understand me and I can understand them.

There may be enough stories here already and my story might not be read once. I am going to share anyways because it makes me feel better.

So, here is my story. It started somewhere around when I was seven years old. I have begun to wonder, what if one of my parents is not related to me? Also, as I grew older I tried to ignore the possibility or thought because I was seven. It was most likely my imagination, but the thought wouldn’t leave my head. Then, I questioned myself daily, “Why don’t I feel like I fit in with my family? Why do I feel different? Why AM I different?”

A few years later, my social dad told me he had Hodgkin’s cancer when he was young. Since I like to learn new things I searched it up. I found out that most likely patient’s that previously had this cancer can not have children. I swear my heart dropped dead thousands of feet. I kept my mouth shut because I wasn’t sure if I what is standing right in front of me is reality. Finally, when I was 14, I popped the question to my parents,”Is it true that one of you is not my biological parent?” The both of them chuckled. I was very confused, I didn’t know what was going on…
“Did I say something wrong?”
“No, honey I will show you later.”
“Why not now?”
“We have company coming over and now is not the time.”

When everyone left, my parents gave me all of the papers. It had my donor’s hobbies, interests, height, eye color, hair color, etc… but no name. I didn’t know whether or not to feel happy or sad. I should feel happy because I know some answers, but not the most important ones. Now I am lost.
“There’s no name or picture?”
“Sorry, but they are not allowed to give names out.”
“Why not? And why not tell me earlier?”
“I don’t know. We were going to tell you when you were ready and well you are ready today.”

I was never angry, but I was disappointed about the unknown name and the unknown siblings. Right now, there are multiples of my half siblings. I wish I knew who all of you were. I wish that I can meet my biological father and my half siblings to know, “Where do I come from? What is my other half I have been looking for? Are they far from here or are they closer than I think?” Are their thoughts the same as mine? Are any of us close even though we are complete strangers?” Is that too much to ask? Please do not be afraid, I only want to fill in the empty hole inside me. I do not mean to bother, but this is THE biggest dream of mine.

My biological father and half siblings may not be what I dream of or expect them to be, but I do want them to know that I miss them, love them, and care about them even if they do not feel the same way.