Our experience with egg donation
We already had a healthy and happy child of our own but we felt our family was not finished. We had personal reasons for this that would be too long to discuss here.
We were scared to death of the idea of an egg donor and for a long time it was not an option. It felt wrong, we couldn’t get our heads around the idea. For almost a decade we looked at profiles of egg donors and discussed the issue of egg donors, our feelings, the child, the donor, our family, society, the expense, and so on.
Then I saw her. I came upon the profile of an egg donor and I felt an instant connection. It was as if I had known her for a long time. I even felt this way about her family. She wasn’t a model, she wasn’t a scholar, she wasn’t athletic, didn’t really resemble me to much, but to me she was the one. To me she was perfect, beautiful, smart, everything we could hope for in our future child. Something about her picture, I just knew. We wanted an open or semi open donation and our donor agreed to this but then changed her mind at the last minute and insisted on anonymous. We don’t know what happened.
My husband still wasn’t sure but after another year of discussions he told me he trusted me, my judgement, and he agreed we would proceed. He was not interested in seeing her pictures or profile &because he trusted me. To say we were nervous is an understatement. All of those negative feelings came back but once we made the decision we just continued to move forward. Our decision to use an egg donor was not based on feelings although the actual egg donor was chosen in large part based on my feelings.
At the last minute my husband was unable to accompany me at the transfer so I went alone. I was so nervous I thought I would vomit but I reminded myself that this decision was not made lightly and that it was the right decision for our family. We were nervous and doubted ourselves the entire pregnancy.
We had a beautiful healthy and happy baby! We love both of our children the same! While I often forget about the donor during the busy times, in quiet moments I think of her and wonder how she is doing. She is a part of our family and we will always love her and be grateful for her willingness to donate to us.
Looking back I wish we had moved forward sooner because I now realize how wonderful this experience has been for all of us. Now that we are a few years into the other side my husband is so grateful he decided to put his trust in me and my judgement.
We have decided not to tell our child of the donor until adulthood. We want our child to have a carefree and happy childhood and we don’t want our child to think they’re different in any way. This works best for us right now.
Lots of egg donor children have posted their negative feelings but there are many with positive feelings too. We spoke with several prior to our decision to move forward. They pointed out that lots of kids have issues with lots of things, and lots don’t, egg donor kid or not. Some parents die leaving orphans, some don’t know the identity of their parent or parents or only know 1. Children are sometimes removed from their homes and adopted out by the state for various reasons like the safety of the child. Some are raised by grandparents or other guardians. Some are abandoned or abducted, some are never acknowledged. Some are raised by neglectful parents. Children with positive experiences tend to be quiet about this fact and many just don’t bother writing about it.
We have learned from this experience that there are no guarantees in life, that we are all, we hope, just trying to do our best, and most importantly love truly is all there really is.