raped by my stepdad

Submitted on: March 26, 2019

When I turned 16, I was very innocent. I also had very low self esteem and now looking back I feel like I had stockholm’s syndrome. He took advantage of me, he was violent both physically and with words. At the begining, he was coming to my bed at night and touching my boobs and I tried so hard to resist, but he was putting so much emotional pressure on me, my mum was really relying on him and this is why I found myself in this position of weakness. Then he was touching me in other places. Then someday he took me out and told me we are going to visit another city, and he gave me a drink with a lot of alcohol in the car. But that didn’t stop me from being reluctant. This is why he was so hard with physical and emotional pressure and threats. He took me to a room that he was renting, then It happened. I resisted so hard, but I was too weak physically. He bruised my face so hard that I lost consiousness, that was almost as painful as the penetration. Then He kept going with the physical and emotional pressure. Now I feel like the stupidest person that I didnt call the cops or something else, which is why I am only sharing this story unanimously. It’s because Of how stupid I feel I didnt speak out at that time to make it stop. My stepdad said it was necessary for my eduction that he had to do that so that later there will be no guy who will be able to brainwash me with sex. I was not convinced and he said I was too young to understand but when I would get older I would understand and thank him. It kept going for another year. After six months, my resistance was strongly diminished as I gave in. Then I met the man who became my husband. He had to fight a lot with my stepdad so that I was able to escape my home, and I am so grateful that he did. My stepdad was extremely mean to him.
I feel so disgusted of what my stepdad did to me, and I feel disgusted to my body because of it. I also have lost the love and trust I had for my mum, as I believe she could have stopped this from happening. I think somehow she realised that there was a problem as I tried to reach out to her a few times. Today, I can say I have a relation with my mum which is only rooted in politeness. To be honest, if it was just for me I would have decided never to see her again, but I still do it as a moral duty. I didnt have any contact with my stepdad for the last 5 years, although he still threatens me by email. Although this is the incident in my life that has hurt me the most, I wish to try to heal everyday and not let it hurt me for the rest of my life as the hurt It has caused me at the time was enough already. Also I get a lot of nightmares about it, and falshbacks when I have sex with my husband. I try to think about ways I could take it positively. If it didnt happen, I would not be the person I am today. Of course I have been traumatised. It makes me think about all the women who have been raped, and I would like to stand by them to tell them they’re not alone while undergoing the process of healing. Before it happened I was a very spoiled girl and I always had everything go my way. Now I became less selfish and I am more concerned about other people who have less than me. I am grateful that I have been released from this situation and I have a good life now. I would like to thank this website for helping me share my story. The reason I shared it is to stand by other women who have been through the same as me. I also hope this will help me heal.

Wish you all love