Re: No One Thought About The Children

Submitted on: February 12, 2019

I wish you were public with your story. My biodad can’t comprehend the grief I carry and tells me how altruistic he thinks his actions were. I can’t bring myself to tell him how hurt I am, how I can’t grasp how he could have abandoned me, how much grief I carry through life. I’m afraid if I tell him I’ll scare him away and lose him forever. He needs to hear from other donors like you who grasp the full weight of the transaction they participated in.
Your thoughts bring me comfort in one sense. I’m constantly told that I don’t have the right to feel abandoned, that I was a gift, that I should be grateful. It feels so good to hear your words and feel seen. A donor, who truly sees what it is like to be the child whose parental rights he sold. But on the other hand, I have a hard time understanding how someone who sees how much pain he has caused, how naive his decisions were, enough to share his heart online, can reflect upon his actions and then continue to try to keep them covered. Why sit in your shame? You have a chance to come clean to your family, to the children you sold. You have a second chance to stop living a lie. Don’t they deserve your honesty now? You are feeling the consequences of your wrong choices, but making another set of wrong choices won’t protect any of them from your actions. You’ve turned away some of your children. Do you realize that they can find your family, long before anyone decides to test? Do you realize that hurt, abandoned offspring who are desperate for connection sometimes reach out to other family members when they’ve been turned away, feeling that your family should not have to bear your secrets and should be given the dignity of making choices for themselves, the dignity of choosing how to relate to you once they know the full truth. Waiting until later will make all of this worse in the end. Stop hiding. Turn from the mistakes of your past and don’t repeat them by trapping yourself in shame. You’ve already created offspring out in the world, denying that they exist won’t change reality for them or for your family. Step up, stop praying that they will forget you, and act like someone who fears God instead of hiding behind your fear of man. Don’t make an idol of your reputation.
You say that people make mistakes but God doesn’t. Another truth is that God doesn’t save people from the consequences of other people’s mistakes. Nor does He save his children from the consequences of their own sins. You can’t outrun your mistakes, and you will be miserable for the rest of your life if you try to. Your own family will bear the consequences of your poor choices (even if you die before you tell them), and your offspring out in the world are living with the consequences of your poor choices. More poor choices on your part won’t release them from the consequences that already exist, and will add a deep mistrust not only in you but in every other human, and very likely in God. Tell them yourself. Acknowledge the children who have tried to contact you, and stop hurting them more by rejecting them a second time. End the game of trying to save face. In your attempt to protect your family and avoid your own regret, you are magnifying the impact of your poor choices. I have a deep hatred for the fertility industry because they purposefully target young men and women like you, and they don’t care about the fallout for you or your family, they don’t care about the hundreds of thousands of humans they create or about the psychological trauma they will face, they only care about making money. They are evil, and they knew exactly what they were doing when they lured you in. You can choose rightly from today forward. You can do this. Get it all out in the open, and do it soon. I’d so much rather have a dad who was mature enough to explain the painful truth, ask for forgiveness, and show me an example of how to gracefully work through his own shame than to have a dad who loves having a clean reputation more than he loves his family.