Silently Longing

Submitted on: December 5, 2019

I have known for most of my life that my parents used donor sperm to conceive me, but we never spoke of the fact that I’m donor conceived after the initial conversation. To my parents, it probably appeared that I had zero interest in it. But what they didn’t know is that even as a young kid I had picked up on the fact that they weren’t very comfortable with the topic. If I was asked if I would ever want to know who my biological father was if I could, my answer was, “nope, I’m not curious.” I didn’t want to hurt my parents’ feelings by expressing interest. I would never want them to think they weren’t enough.
Meanwhile, it was very much a part of my thoughts. It was a part of conversations with friends. I’d lie awake at night wondering what he could possibly be like. Was I anything like him? I never stopped wondering, but no one knew the extent of how much I cared. Even in my early 20’s, I would only talk about it like it was just a random, quirky thing about me. As far as I was concerned, that’s all it could ever be because he was “just a sperm donor” and there would be no way for me to ever find him. Finally, at the age of 26, I was able to find him through DNA testing. I wish I even knew how to describe how wonderful and awful it has been all at the same time. Absolutely no relatives that I found have wanted a relationship with me. My biological father wouldn’t even provide me with medical history. My grandma agreed to meet me, but then ghosted me. And my siblings haven’t really wanted to talk. But to see my bio father’s face and to know little things about him has been exactly what I’ve been longing for for many years, but it has also been so heartbreaking to know I can’t even have a conversation with him after all this. I’ve gone through many difficult things in my life, but nothing can prepare you for rejection from your father. Even though I have a dad who raised me and loves me, I absolutely need both of them. The grief that I experience is very real. It may not make sense to people who aren’t in my position, but I never knew it was possible for these losses to be as devastating as they are.