When the Fantasy Doesn’t Match the Reality

Submitted on: December 5, 2019

My best friend in the entire world is adopted and I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. She was adopted in the 90’s as an infant by an extremely loving couple who have given her the world. Not to mention they are well off and she’s never in her life had to worry about money or lack of opportunity. She has always known she was adopted and her parents have stayed very neutral about her birth parents towards her. When she was entering her teenage years she started having some behavioral issues, most likely from the lack of understanding from her adoptive parents. You see, her biological parents were both obese with weight issues and when my friend entered puberty she started packing on pounds. Her adoptive parents were lean people with amazing fitness and have never spent a day in their life thinking about their weight or calories. Her parents couldn’t understand why their daughter had bad eating habits and couldn’t just lose the weight. At times it felt that they would nag her and embarrass her publicly in hopes that would kick start some buried motivation. It didn’t. She began feeling distant with her family and started saying things like “ You’re not my real family/parents”, “I wish you never adopted me”, “When I’m 18 I’m going to live with my real family”. This hurt her family bad but she was pretty stubborn and they swept her under the rug probably out of exhaustion and pain. My friend stayed true to her beliefs and when she was 18 she opened her birth records. What she found out killed her. Up until this point she had always fantasized about what her birth parents were like. All she knew is that she was born out of the state she was raised in and that her mother was very young in a relationship with an older man. When she did discover the truth she was broken. Her mother had entered a relationship with a man 20 years older than her when she was just 16. Her mother had been in trouble with the law because of drugs and neglect of an older half blooded child. When her older half sibling was removed finally from the rat infested apartment the bio mom was pregnant with my friend. They determined that the child would be taken away after birth and put in foster care until the mother could prove herself to the courts. The mother never even bothered getting her two children back. And eventually both children were put up for adoption. The bio father of my friend was arrested for rape and murder in the second degree after spending a night with a prostitute. They found her in his trunk. He was sentenced to prison for life around the time my friend was five. She has no desire to contact him ever and has battled with the fact that she shares DNA with this man. She did contact her mom who she found out had a full blooded child three years after she was put up for adoption. The mother had stopped doing drugs and kicked the psychotic baby daddy to the side, but wasn’t doing anything in particular to better herself. She drank and smoked habitually and collected government aid. My friend described her as through and through white trash. The youngest child seems to have a form of high functioning autism and doesn’t socialize well. A future relationship will be hard put. As for the oldest kid my friend has no idea and no lead to find them. After some disappointing communication over a year her bio mom and her have fizzled out. Her adoptive family was hurt by her contact with her bio family but won’t say it to her face. They have been doting on her older adoptive sister who is expecting a baby soon and has never showed interest in finding her bio family. She would be the poster child for what adoptive parents would want in a child. Not to mention her older adoptive sister has always been naturally skinny too so that always made them feel in competition. Although her adoptive parents would never tell my friend this, her adoptive sister is the favorite. So here is where my friend leaves off. She is left without a family of any kind floating through a limbo, feeling that she’ll never belong. She isn’t that same girl I grew up with and I miss my friend. And the more time that goes on the worst she gets. What do you tell someone in this situation, have do I comfort her? How do get to her before it is to late?