Why Do I Feel so Guilty?
Sometimes I forget that my idea of the word “family” isn’t the same as my peers, other days it’s all I can think about.
I was made using an anonymous sperm donor, my mom had been single for a long time and was feeling lonely I guess. She always tries to joke it off, like saying “aren’t you glad I didn’t just hook up with some douche at a bar”, but I feel like this is her way of overriding my opinion on the subject, because after that how can I argue with her?
I mean, she’s right, I’m glad she didn’t just hook up with some random guy at a pub because otherwise I wouldn’t exist. That messes me up.
How can I possibly talk about how much I hate sperm donation, when without it I would never have been born? I feel like I wasn’t supposed to exist. My whole life I have to make up stories about my absent father. I’ll tell people just about anything but the truth. I feel like my whole life is a series of lies and paradoxes. I have a father… but not really. I was conceived… but more like designed.
To my mother the whole point of my existence is to be her daughter, I feel like she doesn’t really see me as a person, but more of a project she feels is completely under her control. Honestly, why would she not? She literally picked me out from a catalogue. She made sure that I would never have the option to meet my biological father, she never considered my feelings at all during the whole process. It makes me sick.
But I can’t tell her how much I hate that because I know it will wreck her.
It doesn’t really make sense, but I hate myself for how much I regret being conceived this way.