Why?

Dear dad,
Why? Why did u make it a closed donation? Why did you decide you never wanted to be there for me? Did you know or could you guess that I cry myself to sleep thinking of you, that I am crying writing this? Did u ever wonder how I would answer the questions? Or the genealogy reports in middle school? My friends don’t understand, NO ONE understands! I tried to tell my friends, one of them said it was COOL!! To not have a dad, to never know if this trait was from you, or my mother. She thought, well there is no one to boss you around. She was so wrong. You left me!!! Before I was even born you left me!! I will never know you!! I have a “dad” who is in denial, a step dad who loves his children more than me and a mother that tells me just to give up, that I will never find you! I know all these meaningless facts, you were 5′ 10″, you had brown hair and eyes, you were 1/4 Montana native. I don’t even know your name!!! You could be DEAD!! How could you abandon me? I don’t even look like you! I have auburn hair, I’m the palest person I know who burns just by sitting by a sunny window, I’m not popular, I’m not nice, I’m not a good person, that could have been different if you were around! Did you do it for the money? The hospitals pay you, what? 25 bucks? It was really worth it to ruin my life. I’m going to have kids one day, they won’t know their grandpa! I could have half siblings, a whole other family with you but you chose to leave me with less than a name. Why would you do that? Did you not realize you were donation a life? I’m pretty interesting you know? I’m in sixth grade in Washington, I’m in track and cross country. I do hurtles and long distance running. I’m a really good runner! Seven minute miles… Why don’t you want to know all of this?? Why don’t you care why aren’t you here? Not knowing you is KILLING ME!! I’m so messed up, my mother explained all of this to me in kindergarten!!!! Do you know what that did to me? You took an innocent five year old and killed all her dreams. Why would you do that? Oh yeah, and all that shit about how my grandpa ( or yours I can’t remember) was killed by a firing squad? What did he do? So you know that they reserve firing squad for murderers? The blood of a killer is in my veins, or some other horrible crime committer. I don’t know who or how many people he killed. And do you know the most horrible thought? The fact that I could know you. I could have passed right by you in a grocery store, you could be famous or in the news. I could know you, except I wouldn’t. I hate you but I love you at the same time. Why would you do this to me?

-broken 💔